Baby’s First African Orphan

by Trevor Seigler

Welcome, and thank you for taking the time to read this customary guide attached to your brand new “Baby’s First African Orphan”! We hope that your orphan arrived safely and with little or no damage in shipping and handling, and trust that he will find a comfortable place in your family home (ideally in the broom closet, or in any extra doghouses you may possess).

Your Baby’s First African Orphan (copyright 1999) is more than just another addition to your possessions; he or she is a sign to your neighbors that you are better than them. You are morally upright and wealthy enough to welcome a complete stranger into your family (one that has only known famine, pestilence, and civil wars with mass genocide). And you’re willing to commit to at least ten months of said existence with your Baby’s First African Orphan for free, with a monthly payment of $159.99 to follow your trial period as the savior of a child who would otherwise be covered in flies or enlisted into his or her nation’s “volunteer” killing squads.

But you’re probably asking yourself right now, “how can my Baby’s First African Orphan make my life easier?” Because let’s face it, domestic help is hard to come by, and labor isn’t cheap. That’s where Baby’s First African Orphan (on NASDAQ as BFAO since 2003) comes in: what better way to improve a child’s life and show him the benefits of living in America than to make him work for it?

Your Orphan Loves The Outdoors: Landscaping

In his home village somewhere in Africa (we’re not really sure where, but it may have been Darfur or Canada), your orphan lived in fear of the roving bands of kidnappers who took children at will to serve their nefarious needs in the palatial estates of the American-backed dictator and his elite. But your Baby’s First African Orphan loves the sun! And he loves to be able to walk outside without being swarmed with flies! There’s nothing cuter than your Baby’s First African Orphan’s first tentative attempts to shoo away the few flies that might fly around him as he cuts your lawn!

Your orphan comes with a work visa, enabling him to be employed in any way you (as his sponsor and potential recipient of any monetary damages from his demise) see fit. Has your ragweed been bothering the neighborhood? Chances are, your Baby’s First African Orphan has experience fending off the crocodiles that decimated much of his village, so he can attack your crabgrass and kudzu like a trained hunter. Be warned: his first experience with the riding motor could be dicey. Remember to stress to your Baby’s First African Orphan that it’s a mechanical device, and not a vessel through which the spirits of evil ancestors try to attack his cute little foot when he sets it too close to the blade.

Your Orphan Needs An Indoor Toilet: House Chores

Back in his home country, your Baby’s First African Orphan probably lived in a small hut with none of the amenities of the Western World (i.e., indoor plumbing, an X-Box, etc.). So when he arrives in your luxurious home, he’ll be overwhelmed by all the space not reserved for the family’s pet lion.

What better way to learn his way around and become acclimated than to scrub the ivory surfaces fresh and clean? Cleanliness is next to godliness, after all, and your Baby’s First African Orphan may come in your house as a dirty Muslim (as Islam is one of the dominant faiths throughout Africa) but he’ll leave as a spiffy Christian who can get out dirt and grime without the need for hour breaks or a steady set wage. Give him a sandwich that isn’t laced with worms, and he’ll even throw in a free buff and wax as thanks!

The Car Isn’t Going to Fix Itself: Technical Skills

Your Baby’s First Orphan (formerly “Baby’s First Pet Rock”, “Baby’s First Sea Monkey”, and “Baby’s First Former Concentration Camp Guard”) will need to do more than look pitiful whenever an American film crew comes to follow Angelina Jolie around. He’ll have to sell himself to prospective employers, and it’s your duty to your Baby’s First African Orphan to set him up on the path to career fulfillment.

Let your orphan visit you at your job, to get a feel for the work force. He will be glad to fetch your morning coffee for you, or make sure you get that fax from Corporate. Your Baby’s First African Orphan can do anything he puts his mind to, be it industrial welding with stainless-steel blades or testing the latest military scientific advancements. He’ll bring his can-do-because-otherwise-it-means-certain-death attitude to the forefront of any activity you put in his path. And if he gets injured? Simply stuff him down the garbage chute and put in an order for a new one!

(Note: Our lawyers have informed us that the previous statement is irresponsible and unethical. They suggest putting whatever is left of your Baby’s First African Orphan in a cardboard box and sending it to our offices in Grand Rapids, Michigan. We apologize for the appearance of insensitivity.)

Making Him Feel at Home: Returning Your Orphan

If after your free trial period, you feel that your Baby’s First African Orphan doesn’t add luster to your social standing or fill you with the inner peace that you expected from your selfless act of charity, just send him back. You have no reason to feel like a hypocrite; abandoning Africa has been a staple of American foreign policy for much of the last century.

Simply tell your orphan that he has not met your standards and, as such, he must be returned to his festering tit of a country (do not worry about offending him; your Baby’s First African Orphan speaks in an odd language that you will not understand, and neither will he understand you). Then stuff him into the same ramshackle box that he came in, making sure to be humane about it (i.e., taping his limbs to his torso with masking tape and attaching a feeding tube to his mouth, as well as a source of food). Add a stamp and our address:

Baby’s First African Orphan

First Flushing Avenue

Grand Rapids, MI

(Care of Das Weltpolitik Industries,

Berlin, Germany;

Southern Importers Inc.,

Baton Rouge, LA;

Zulu Relocation Enterprises,

Cape Town, South Africa)

And we’ll gladly put your Baby’s First African Orphan on the plane back to his native country and his loving family (if they haven’t been wiped out by pestilence, war, and the continuing economic deprivation of wherever the hell it is that they are from). If you wish to keep in touch with your orphan, we’ll forward your letters of encouragement and guilt-tinged curiosity to his village. When your Baby’s First African Orphan learns to read, he will shed tears of joy over your warm concern. This will replace the tears of pain and suffering as a result of his being starved and beaten into joining his country’s paramilitary resistance movement to the American-backed power structure.

Your Baby’s First African Orphan may end up hating all Westerners, but he will have a fond place in his heart for you. And that thought is worth all the costs you will have to pay to bring him into your life…

Congratulations for Purchasing Your Baby’s First African Orphan! And Remember: Why Let Children Suffer in Africa When They Can Suffer in America?