An Old Solution to a New Problem

by Bryan Cockfield

Right now I am stranded on I-385 on my way to Charleston and I have just called for help on my CB radio.

Instead of becoming angry at my car (a 1989 Nissan Sentra named Sue that my father purchased new in 1988) or at highway patrol for sending approximately ten tow trucks past me while I was stranded, I was reminded of better times by talking on the old citizen’s-band.

Those were the good days. The 1970s, when gas was thirty-five cents to the gallon, Led Zeppelin still toured, truckers had to drive to Texarkana to get illegal west-coast beer for politicians in Georgia, driving a car with a manual transmission was not a lost art, American manufacturers made quality automobiles, and, most importantly, people understood the solution to the energy crisis that would arise with the dawn of the new millennium.

The solution, of course, is to use as much of the fossil fuels as we can as fast as possible. This will coerce our government, as well as the private sector, out of the Middle East and into the laboratory to develop an alternative to petroleum-based products before the situation gets further out of control.

Obviously, the faster we can consume all of these products, the less we will care about what happens in the Middle East and other expensive parts of the world. We could even develop alternatives to gasoline from resources we have in abundance in our own country, like water and hydrogen or even sunlight.

Currently, it would be too hard to actually use water or sunlight to produce usable energy. It is easier to get mixed up in the affairs of other countries, damage wildlife preserves, drill through hundreds of meters of solid rock, ship crude oil halfway around the world or pipe it in from the hurricane devastated parts of the Gulf of Mexico, then refine it, distribute it, and burn it, than it would be to develop some kind of cell that converts sunlight into electrical energy and stores those charges in something we might call a “battery”. Therefore, by forcing the energy crisis to a peak, R&D in the complicated science of electricity will be given the opportunity to develop new, cheap sources of energy.

Since drivers of automobiles are the primary buyers of petroleum, the first step towards this goal is to change the driving habits of two key demographics. First of all, the stereotypical “soccer mom” will move from her mini van into a Ford F-350 Super Duty Extended Cab, to make sure she has plenty of room for children (who will grow up and also need vehicles to drive), book bags, groceries, and all of the other accoutrements of motherhood, while also getting optimum usage of fuel (gasoline or diesel, depending on the truck).

Many in this demographic already drive vehicles of this nature out of pure necessity, so the next step is to get environmentalists out of their hybrid cars and other Japanese engineering marvels and into American-made sport utility vehicles - or Hummers, if they prefer.

Since I am neither supporting a family nor an environmentalist, I will be forced to drive a 1973 Pontiac Trans Am with a four hundred and fifty-five cubic inch engine (and about as many horsepower) and a maximum fuel efficiency of ten miles to the gallon.

Although automobiles are the chief concern in the energy crisis, there are other important applications of fossil fuels. Clemson University currently uses coal to produce 60 percent of its electrical energy. This is simply not enough. As a research university, we are in a unique position to develop the alternate forms of energy for future use while at the same time doing our part for America to consume fossil fuels. I believe that we should increase the use of coal on campus to produce around 90 percent of our electrical energy. (It would simply be impractical to try for the ideal 100 percent.)

An argument against this whole proposition is that the effects on the environment could possibly be damaging. However, at our current rate of consumption, we will run out of fossil fuel stores eventually any way, so the total amount of pollutants will be the same no matter how long it takes us to get there. Also, once we have a market for new forms of energy, we won’t need to drill for oil in Alaska and other natural wildlife preserves.

There is also a concern that all of this increased consumption will hit American wallets very hard. But these extra expenditures will stimulate the economy and possibly eliminate the federal deficit. This would result in more tax cuts and more money for Americans in the long run. Therefore, by spending more money, we will all be making more money.

And, following the current trend of our federal government to provide oil companies subsidies for not producing oil with the aim of somehow stimulating production, we should also subsidize American automobile manufacturers. It’s not their fault that some un-American people would rather drive cheaper, more efficient imported cars rather than economically friendly American counterparts. We should all learn that in the oil industry, it’s all right to be a looter and not a producer.

Money isn’t the only issue at stake. If we don’t implement this plan soon, mass panic could set in. In fact, the longer it takes us to expend our supplies of fossil fuels, the more devastating the sudden lack of fuel will be when it occurs. And, since the United States only responds to crises when it is too late to do anything helpful (such as the implementation of airport security only after the terrorist attacks on September 11th), the only solution is to initiate this crisis quickly so we can go ahead and deal with the damage that it will undoubtedly cause.

We already see people lining up to buy gas when prices spike. Admittedly, reasonable people point and laugh at those who are foolishly supporting the demands of OPEC and the apparently random whims of hurricanes, but one day there really will be a shortage.

This kind of panic would be lessened if everyone knew that fossil fuels could be completely consumed at any day and if they had an alternative mode of transportation ready to go when that day came. However, if we continue to conserve resources, we will only mislead ourselves and believe that fossil fuel supplies are far from being depleted. Imagine the kind of panic that would come about one day if we continue believing that oil supplies will never run out. It would be apocalyptic.

Every good American should follow these simple procedures to ensure we deplete the fossil fuel supply as fast as possible. However, it is important to note that I do not have the means to purchase the ‘73 Trans Am myself. As a poor college student, I apologize to everyone that the energy crisis is affecting, but Sue currently gets a substandard 35 miles to the gallon. I will, however, accept donations to help purchase the more economically-friendly Trans Am so I can do my part for America.