Horoscopes

by Trevor Siegler

Aries - The stars say this month should be good for your love life. Of course, the stars also said you’d finally kick that crystal meth habit, so they’ve been wrong before.

Leo - Go outdoors more, live with the woodland creatures and adapt to their simple, rustic lifestyle. Then serve them with some barbecue sauce to your hot next-door neighbor and talk about how thrilling it was to “hunt” them down.

Sagittarius - Did you know that “Sagittarius” spelled backwards is “Suirattigas”? Brought to you by the government’s Department of Useless Information.

Taurus - Strong enough for a man, made for a woman. So why are you all alone on Friday night, big stud?

Capricorn - Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. Which is ironic, as you’re allergic to chocolate.

Gemini - Who can turn the world on with their smile? Obviously not you.

Libra - You are truly the wisest and most generous of the astrological signs, and women tear off their clothes at the mere mention of your presence because they know once they’ve had Libra, there’s no going back (disclaimer: the author is a Libra).

Aquarius - When you were little, that “Age of Aquarius” song always made you happy. Now a red ball dangled from a string on your ceiling has the same effect.

Cancer - Eat more vegetables, your mother would be disappointed otherwise.

Scorpio - Maybe now would be a good time to look into some “disasterous meteroid from space” insurance. I’m just saying…

Pisces - You don’t floss, do you? Now would be a good time to start.