Have a Cow & Eat It Too

by Bryan Cockfield

Civil liberties of all kinds have been under fire from one side of the wing or the other lately. Whether it’s our right to marry who we choose, burn down a building or two over a cartoon, or simply our right to go to a fast food restaurant to eat a super-jumbo triple cheeseburger and sue the corporation for unfairly imposing an obese lifestyle upon us, we Americans must constantly fight for our rights.

As a loyal and patriotic American, I am always shocked to find one of our basic civil liberties under fire, be it on the news, on the internet, or in our every day lives, such as when a few activists were demonstrating a few months ago on the Cooper Library Bridge. Yes, our very right to eat meat was being infringed upon.

The pamphlet that was being passed out on the bridge claimed that animals would not suffer so much if everyone would cut their consumption of meat. And if everyone just gave me a quarter, I wouldn’t need to open an IRA.

But I read the pamphlet any way, as I always do to humor the animal rights activists. Usually, after looking at pictures of half-slaughtered pigs, turkeys, dogs, and sheep for a while, I feel (as I usually do) that it is my responsibility to make up for the lack of animal products that some people consume.

So I ordered a whole chicken and consumed it for lunch. Then, after a nap on my feather down pillow, I went out to throw the pigskin around with the guys. By then I had worked off the chicken and was a little hungry, so I had a two-pound hamburger with chili and horseradish. Needless to say that after this moderately-sized meal I was a little tired, so I found my wool sweater and walked to my room where I took off my leather loafers and listened to Pink Floyd’s album “Animals” while sitting on my bearskin rug.

Well, maybe I embellished a little. The two-pound hamburger would have been a little too much for me if it had chili on it. Especially with the glass of milk I had to wash down the salad that I ate.

The salad was for a balanced diet. I put bacon bits on it, though.

Any way, what I find to be as baffling as the story of how I got that bearskin rug, or why anyone would try to convince me to give up all of those wonderful indulgences, is why anyone would want to go through the hassles and complications of removing meat (and other animal products) from his or her diet.

Usually, after a non-meat-eater gets past the deficiencies in vitamin B12 (and the heart disease usually associated with said deficiency) then there is also a chance that this person will have to manage with a lack of protein in his or her diet. Even though these kinds of medical problems can be overcome with dietary supplements, why would anyone want to eat meat substitutes made out of soy and take pills to ward off serious medical side effects when one can just eat a steak and be perfectly healthy?

Let’s also not forget that all of these animals are bred to be used for food and other consumer products, so if we don’t manufacture them, chickens and pigs that have been raised to live in virtually no space will have to be let loose on the open plains. There, they will be easily picked off by carnivorous, savage animals like wolves, hawks, and prairie dogs, since that kind of livestock have been bred to stand, defenseless and still, in packs.

And finally, never mind that there are other causes that are much more worthy of attention and activism than animal rights, such as whether or not the American military is involved in a war. But who knows or cares? As long as we are only eating vegetables while we bomb other countries, then we should be safe from an eternity in purgatory.

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Published:
11.14.06 / 1pm
Category:
Political, Opinion Pieces