Love Means Never Having to Watch “Love Story”

Women love them, men hate them: romantic comedies are more capable of invoking a partisan divide way more fervent than any “Blue State-Red State” nonsense. But there are men out there who, try as they might, cannot escape the lure of a hokey “boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy goes running through airport to chase down girl before she goes off with Billy Zane” love story. Some of these men even seek out such tales d’amore not because they have someone to share it with, but because they don’t. And they could use some pointers.

And one of them is me… my friend, “Steve”. Yeah, “Steve” actually watches romantic comedies by himself. God, what a loser.

Okay, fine, I was talking about me. But I was raised primarily by women and television, and the television shows that the women in my family preferred were of the “girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, girl goes running through airport before boy goes off with Parker Posey” variety. I’m not defending the tastes of my matriarchs, I’m just saying that it was a subtle form of child abuse.

Romance as a subject can cause great debates, like “what is love?”, or which group sang “What Is Love?”, for example. It can lead you to folly, like renting “Along Came Polly”. It can break your heart, and cause you to buy Journey’s entire back catalogue. Or Heart’s, really.

And for those of us guys not lucky enough to be built like Brad Pitt (in other words, 99% of the American population), it’s a rougher ride than a rickety old rollercoaster with a few screws loose. And just as perilous.

So what can we, the romantically challenged, turn to as guideposts for our heart’s desires? Self-help books are loaded with “you want to sleep with your mother” innuendo, so they’re no good. Pop culture is the currency in which most Americans traffic, so it would make sense that many might look to the stars for advice. Stars like Richard Gere and Julia Roberts, Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, and Andre the Giant and Wallace Shawn. Well, maybe not the last pair, but you get the picture.

The king of dork love gods, of course, is John Cusack, whose starring turn as Lloyd Dobler made it okay to aspire for the most popular or prettiest girl in school. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that Lloyd Dobler looked like John Cusack. When I reached that age, I got more comparisons to Rick Moranis or John Denver than I ever did the star of High Fidelity. Recently, though, things started looking up: I was told by a female friend that I look like Harry Potter, and that girls actually consider him “cute”.

Needless to say, the lightening-bolt-on-the-forehead tattoo is on order…

But after a lifetime spent (most of the time unwillingly, though sometimes not) watching romantic movies, I have come to a chilling and groundbreaking conclusion: as guides for how to actually experience romance in your own life, they stink.

Quick question: how many times have you gone running through a train station/airport/ship dockyards/somebody else trying to marry your love, while swelling orchestral music played in the background? Yeah, didn’t think so. And with the heightened security after 9/11, I wouldn’t advise trying it. The good old days of running through a security cordon to catch up with the one you love (and not being shot for your efforts) are a thing of the past.

Also, how many of you out there have “gazed longingly” with “smoldering passion” at your current love interest and not been mistaken for a nutjob? Sure, it may work for Colin Firth or Antonio Banderas. But you are neither of those. You’re just a guy that’s looking at a girl just a little too long.

Perhaps you’ve considered telling the one you love about your true feelings. If you had a professional screenwriter penning your lines, you could be as eloquent as Hugh Grant - with that adorable stuttering that makes him the bane of most men’s existence. But in real life, it’ll come out more like “Hey, you’re hot. Wanna mate?” And that’s when the restraining order kicks in.

I’m not saying there isn’t a good reason to watch these movies - like, perhaps, actually having a date that wants to see them, and cuddle afterwords - but don’t take notes. Not that I’ve ever taken notes… well, you know what I’m getting at. Love is hard, but it isn’t all that bad once you find it. And if you must rent a romantic comedy to make you feel better… don’t. Get a Chuck Norris action movie - but from the eighties, before he became the walking punchline that is “Walker, Texas Ranger”. Nothing makes you feel better about your loneliness than to see Chuck dislocating a dirty terrorist’s head from the rest of his body with a swift roundhouse kick.

A swift roundhouse kick of *love*, that is… go, Chuck!

I hope I’ve been some help.