Grudge Match: America vs. Christmas

Grudge match: America vs. Christmas (and Bill O’Reilly)

Earlier tonight, I received an email from the fine editor of this fine paper which encouraged me to write an article - if I could manage to find time to take a break from fighting the secular progressive war on Christmas. After careful consideration, and a ten minute phone conversation with my war on Christmas commander, I decided I could take a few minutes to write an article about the war from which I am taking five.

I guess at this point the cat has been let out of the bag, but there is indeed a massive conspiracy throughout the United States which is waging a war on Christmas (or Xmas, as we call it). The war is commanded by a group of twelve, six Atheists and six Jews, and is carried out by millions of American foot soldiers, secretly living amongst the tree- and present-loving civilian population. We call ourselves the “League of Extraordinary Jesus Haters” and our base is located in Parts Unknown, Georgia, in the basement of an abortion clinic which doubles as a gay marriage chapel. We receive funding from several Democratic Senators, Jack Abramoff, the ACLU, Triple A, and NAMBLA.

The first step in our three step plan - one step for every day that Jesus was dead - was to get people to realize the vile prejudice that comes in a statement like “Merry Christmas,” especially in a country where almost ten percent of the population does not celebrate the phony holiday. With one store in New York City (the multicultural capital of the world) saying “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas,” and the parents of one child complaining about Christmas decorations at their son’s class’s Christmas party in Texas, we have basically accomplished step 1.

The next step is to have an all out blitz on the Xmas tree and other decorations. All of those forest fires in Florida and California every summer? Yeah, that’s us. We have come to hate trees almost as much as we hate Xmas itself. I especially hate them, as my passion for the destruction of Xmas began when a Xmas tree fell on me at the age of sixteen. Because of the sap, and because I was naked at the time, the next shirt that I put on would not come off for weeks. Stupid Jesus.

So imagine my chagrin when I came home for the Christmas br - er, uh, I mean, winter break, and found a large, well-lit Xmas tree in my parent’s dining room (don’t worry fellow Xmas haters, it was fake - no sap). As angry as I was at that point, I became even more enraged when I found gifts underneath the tree! While I will not refuse them, I certainly will not enjoy opening them, and will purposely make a mess with the wrapping paper.

The third step in our plan is to make people realize how silly Xmas is anyway. It’s not even really about Jesus’s birth. Everybody knows that Jesus was born sometime in the spring, and that December 25th was actually a Pagan holiday. Christians decided to celebrate Xmas on that day to counter the heretics.

I guess it’s really irrelevant what we hate or do not hate. Yes, we hate the trees, and the gifts, and certainly the Jesus, but we just want to make sure American Christians - all 340 million of them - remain as the oppressed minority that they are.

So, now you know the truth. There is a large liberal group in America conspiring to kill Christmas. Once we do that, we will go after Easter. But now I must get back to work on destroying the holidays for everyone, as well as getting my Festivus Pole set up. I know this probably won’t be published until January, so to all of our readers, I hope you had a very merry non-Christmas. Free Saddam!