Hot Air, Hot Temperatures, Hot Ratings

I like Fox News. No, seriously, I do. It’s fun and entertaining. And that Bill O’Reilly really sticks it to liberals in the elite media, eh? He gets on the tube, all fiery red and bloated, and splotchy as hell, just hammering it to those liberals! Just grinding them to a pulp! Squeezing the life out of their namby-pamby arguments and “hatred of America” statements that we just don’t need here in the Land of the Free!

It’s the best comedy show on television, folks. You see, Fox News should come with its own drinking game. “Tequila Liberal Shots” or something equally banal. What you do is take a shot every time the words “liberal”, “Hollywood liberal”, “elite media”, “liberal elite media”, “Howard Dean”, “degenerates”, “terrorists”, or “America” are mentioned on the air. Trust me: you’ll be hurling bricks by the time Hannity and Bitch-Slap gets through the usual Ollie North segment.

A lot of the spiel on Fox is how liberals control the media, which leads me to wonder why the anchors are so bitter about it. You wonder, if the media is elite, and Fox News is staffed with people who could not maintain jobs in this so-called “elite media”, what does that say about Fox News?

That’s right: they hire morons.

Fox News is the last hope for countless wannabe-Mike-Wallaces who can’t quite cut it on the network level. Hell, O’Reilly used to be with one of the major networks, but he left to take over “Inside Edition”. Talk about prestige: “Inside Edition” was noted for its groundbreaking investigations on the Amy Fisher case and “UFO Abductions: The Evidence Left in the Body.” Britt Hume used to be a network guy, but the Lurch look-alike now hosts a crap show on the weekends. And how the hell did Sean Hannity get a job doing anything?

Fox News is staffed not only with intellectual dullards, but the hottest bunch of female anchors this side of a porn set. Laurie Dhue? Yes I would.

What makes Fox so lovable is how overblown they get. It’s ten-percent news, ninety-percent bloviating and gesticulating wildly. And that’s just Roger Ailes trying to open a can of Pringles. With their “blame America never no matter what” attitude, and frequent speculation that all the world’s troubles are the fault of liberals, it’s no wonder they’re “number one for the news” and “America’s Newsroom”. They appeal to the Ugly American in all of us (the one that looks like Donald Rumsfeld). And they have Ann Coulter on for eye candy. That’s “sour dried up old bitch” flavor, kiddies.

But why do they “dominate the cable news wars”? Is there any truth to the claim that “we report, you decide”? Will Hannity and Ollie just make out already?

I think the appeal lies in seeing how far they’ll go, then waiting for the fireworks to start. You’ll see it on O’Reilly’s show when he states his opinion, then says “what say you?” to the poor bastard dumb enough to get booked there. Hannity waves his pen around like a phallic object, griping about gay marriage. Methinks he doth protest too much. And the other blow-dried mindless goons? They’re window-dressing for all-American boys and girls, talking ’bout how gosh darn hard the President is working to help them and America realize her greatness! Yippee!

Deep down in the part of us all that might have listened to Rush Limbaugh when we were younger, we know that this is B.S., that the Republican lie machine is more powerful than it’s ever been. But try telling that to a jackass who has made his name on blaming liberals for all his troubles (Rush, meet G. Gordon. Gordo, this is Rush. You’ll get along fine).

So I watch Fox News, for fun. And I laugh, because that’s the best defense. A bully can’t intimidate you if you laugh him. He might still punch you, but he won’t be able to enjoy it if you’re in hysterics. So let’s all watch Fox, and have a good laugh. It may be that “America’s Most Trusted Name In News” realizes it’s been the butt of an awful lot of jokes.